February 2000 Jokes -

Week starting February 28, 2000.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all
the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia
Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate.`"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted
for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only fasten 8."

Week starting February 21, 2000.

This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends
wife. "Is John home?" he asks. She replies "No I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands."

"Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?"
She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help to
notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them."
The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe
exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on
the table.

Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful,
I've got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them
both." She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a
good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't
wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by."

About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says "Your
friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago."
John replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?"

Week starting February 14, 2000.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day.
They both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be
admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter
must decide which of them will get in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason
why she should go to heaven. She takes her top off and says, "Look at
these. They're the most perfect God has ever created, and I am sure
it would please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same
question. Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties, takes a
bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with
it. St. Peter says, "Okay, your majesty, you may go in."

Outraged, Dolly screams, "What in the hell was that all about? I
showed you two of God's greatest creations. She performed a
disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't."

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any
day."

Week starting February 7, 2000.

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays,
that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness,
wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and
then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer,
it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is
gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even
opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all
the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.